The Official Zombie Contingency Plan

Because ill-preparedness is the real killer. Are you ready?

OK so here are the facts about zombies:

• They are entirely possible
• They may have already happened

Here are some helpful resources about zombies:

• 11 Contingency Plans
• The Zombie Survival Guide
• The Anarchist Cookbook
• The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook
• The Zombie Research Society (thanks Andrew!)

After having read the Zombie Survival Guide and various contingency plans, I have decided to prepare for the coming apocalypse as follows:

Equipment:

• Fully-equipped backpack, ready to go at all times. Includes food and all-weather clothes.
• Melee weapons.
• Household chemicals ready to be made into incendiary devices.
• The Anarchist Cookbook, Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook, The Zombie Survival Guide, The Boy Scout Handbook and The Bible will be carried with me.
• [pending] Guns and ammo.

Once the apocalypse has been confirmed, this is my action plan:

Step 1: Call all likely survivors that I would want to take with me.

Step 2: Figure out and rendezvous at a safe location near a Wal-Mart, Sam’s Club, Costco, Home Depot, or Lowes to hole up while the stampedes subside. The reason I chose these locations is that they have lots of ways to barricade themselves, have medical supplies, have a gardening dept and a large roof for farming, and lots of chemicals for IEDs (all conveniently documented in the Anarchist’s Cookbook). They also have security cameras everywhere, which is very useful.

Considering that all the roads will likely be gridlocked, We will need a vehicle that can jump curbs and ram barricades (like people’s back-yard fences) to get where we need to go. If we can go no further by vehicle, we MUST leave it behind and get into the storm sewers. The small spaces and seclusion will keep zombie and idiot numbers to a minimum. Some of the junction chambers can even be made into a temporary base while we wait for the path to clear above ground.

Step 3: Secure and barricade the desired building and begin farming. Only let survivors in by rope from the roof. If your barricade can even be adjusted to allow people to come and go, you did it wrong and will eventually be overrun. Any raids or scouting parties should rappel off the side of the building as well so that the barricades are not compromised.

Step 4: Once zombie numbers have thinned and we are well-established, we should secure a delivery van (like a UPS or Wonder Bread truck). The delivery vans are very secure, have big gas tanks, and of course can carry a lot of cargo. They can also be outfitted as mobile bases of operation or personnel carriers as well. We will use this to raid and pick up survivors. If possible, we should also seek to establish a radio station. The equipment is readily available and the wasteland could really use a Three-Dog-type voice to encourage them. For those of you who didn’t play Fallout 3, just know that this is an awesome idea.

Step 5: Establish more megastore colonies. By now there should be enough people in the colony to warrant expansion.

Step 6: Repopulate the earth. Use your imagination.

This is just a first draft, but I think it’s pretty solid. If you see any flaws or obvious ways to improve, please let me know. A zombie survival plan can never be too complete.